Hey there lovelies,
Today I would like to change it up a bit and take my blog to a more serious tone.
They say that there are some things you just don't talk about. Religion. Politics. Money.
Well, I would like to overcome one of those taboos and speak freely about my struggles with one of them. Money.
I often read money management or finance sites, telling us about the triumphs of overcoming debt and sticking to budgets. But, I often don't read about an ongoing struggle. Sure they gleam on it during the discussion, and I get that those articles meant to be uplifting, but sometimes reading about somebody's ongoing crisis helps you feel "un-alone". So, let me tell you a little bit about what I am going through right now.
First, a little background, I am the eldest of 4 children, my dad is a successful businessman and my mom was a successful dentist. Early on they struggled with money but as my mom keeps on telling us proudly, she never raised us through debt. (Meaning: even if they were struggling she didn't borrow money. They made due with what they have.). My mom is thrifty/frugal, whichever you prefer, my dad is the most generous guy you could possible meet, he can be an impulsive shopper and we let him, 'cause he has the money. You could say that they are on opposite sides of the spectrum, but as we were taught in school, the mom usually does the at-home budgeting, so it worked out fine for them. Our situation now is what I call blessed. We indeed have been extremely blessed in the last decade. My dad's business has grown and ten-fold and with that the money struggles have been diminished.
I am not thrifty, and although I am not as generous as my dad, I can be, at times. I am also easily persuaded (hee). I love to buy stuff that I love. I guess if I would describe the feeling that goes with it, I would describe it as fear of suppression? I don't like to feel like I can't buy stuff or get stuff that I want. So with that you already probably know where my money problems come from.
It all started when I discovered the YouTube beauty videos. I was looking for, I think, a makeup look for a party,(Side note: I tried doing makeup by myself, once, and I ended up looking like a clown) so I studied it thru watching videos. Needless to say after looking at tutorials I discovered hauls.
Boy was I in big trouble after that, I had major (glad they have a word for it now) FOMO! I wanted to buy EVERYTHING. It spiralled when I got a job (it was a nice paying job) and the bank SENT me a credit card! It felt like I can buy stuff without feeling the lost of cash!
I didn't have to pay for rent or food or utilities because I was still living with my parents, which is typical here in our country, we normally leave the nest when we get married. Yet, I was already somewhat living pay check to pay check.
It didn't help when we go to the States. I am beyond blessed and in no way bragging, but my dad gives us pocket money to buy stuff and let me tell you that it was NOT a small amount, but I ended up still charging some amount to my credit card. I also started a gym membership and hired personal a trainer. I got a Postpaid line and a new phone. All good until it wasn't. I kept shopping for clothes and makeup until it wasn't good anymore. I struggled to pay for some bills but then the loan offers came, I started with a small amount to pay for my trainer and bills but then I was offered a big amount and I misheard that the interest rate would be low like 4% for the whole amount it turns out it would be 4% per annum. Ugh! Stupid! I tried to retract the loan but the officer said he had already inputted it in the system and retracting would make my credit look bad. This is where everything went wrong. I had to pay the loan for 5 years, stupidly, I thought I would have a job in the next five year buuuut....
A few months ago, I lost my job and was diagnosed with mild PTSD (story for another post). I couldn't get up in the morning and was crying most of the night. I started applying for jobs and going to interviews but I can't seem to pass 2nd interviews. I choke! I know it's because I was still under medication and I haven't fully recovered but instead being uplifted I ended up feeling even more down than ever. Mental illness is a serious matter but still it was no excuse, to what happened next...
The bills started to pile up, I was paying more than the minimum but I had bills automatically charged thru my card I still didn't cancel my membership/s and the amount I pay was JUST enough for these things to go on. I still shopped for things, nowadays, it's books! Ugh! Booktube! Plus I had the loans...Anyways, my debt is now a whopping 200,000+.
ALL this I kept form my family because I knew what I was doing was wrong. I have always felt like I had to be responsible and set myself as a role model to my siblings but I guess actions speak louder than words. My actions say I am weak and irresponsible.I kept all this from them so that they will all think I have it together. This is my shame, I am ashamed to say that I have accumulated this amount and am still struggling with this amount. I am ashamed that I was so irresponsible that I let it get to this amount. My mother found out about this and was she mad! But she did not want me to pay for unnecessary interest so she lent me money to pay for the loans and I have to pay her back, without the interest.
It used to be that one of my biggest fears was my mother finding out about this.But now that the cat's out of the bag, I feel relief, relief that I can finally admit that I have a problem and I am not perfect. I have accepted the fact that I to live with what I have done.
This has been my wake up call, I have now given my credit cards to my mother and I am now reigning in and stopped all purchases, cancelled my gym membership and have stopped newsletters from companies to go into my inbox. I am still struggling with my,what I can only call as, "addiction". Yes, my addiction was things, I felt like things validated my status in life... I know I can't take back what I have done and right now the only consolation I have is the lessons that this experience has taught me. I know I am still lucky to have my mother on my side and some of you may NOT have that, but can I say that one of the things you may get from this is... Some people may just look like they have it all and they have perfect lives. I know I tried to exude that thru the things I bought, but looks can be deceiving. Stop comparing yourself and try to find a place where you know you will be satisfied, and try not to get to the place where you need to be waken up.
The struggle is real because life is real and life is full of ups and downs. We can't control what happens but we can control what we do.
Updates on my struggle and hopefully it's resolution will be posted so watch out for it!
Thank you for reading this I hope you can share some of your stories, as I said there is comfort in knowing you're not alone with your struggles. I hope reading my story has helped you as much as writing this has helped me.
See you on the next post! <3
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